Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
