In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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