I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
