My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Randomize
