Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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