I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
