Where did you get a picture of my penis
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Randomize
