I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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