Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
