..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
