I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
