I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
She needs sedatives and a leash
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I smell like Dick and happiness
Randomize
