dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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