P.S. I can't hear my feet
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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