I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
