Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
