i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
