i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Randomize
