his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
