in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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