and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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