My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
