I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
