Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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