farters have to be the big spoon...
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
