I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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