You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
