imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
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