and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
