i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
