i'm signing you up for texting rehab
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
