You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
