i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
