i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
