Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
