I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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