I was born with a shot glass in my hand
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
