when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
