I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i wish my penis had a tongue
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
i think im in europe. pls send help
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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