He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
