My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
