How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
