You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
