I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
