he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Randomize
