then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
