You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
