Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
