help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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