Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
