Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
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