What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
