No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Randomize
