He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
