What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize