I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
