Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
