You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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