I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
