the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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