wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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