everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
