I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
