i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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