i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
How does one acquire holy water?
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
